Keeping the Divorce Talk Honest Can Help Children Heal Faster
By Alyson Jones, MA, RCC
Editors note: BCACC is pleased to welcome Alyson Jones, MA, RCC, as a presenter at Wired Together: Self, Science, Society conference. Taking place in Richmond from November 1-3, 2019, this exciting conference brings together Registered Clinical Counsellors, counselling therapists and allied professionals for discussion and exchange of the most cutting-edge knowledge, insights, issues and ideas in the world of counselling therapy. Alyson’s presentation, titled “The Cost of Conflict – The Neurobiological Impact of Parental Separation and Family Conflict”, takes place on Day Two of the conference. Early bird registration is available until July 5, 2019. Learn more here.
As a Divorce and Separation Specialist who has assisted many families during family transitions, I have commonly guided parents in how to talk with their children about Divorce and Separation. Although many parents dread having this difficult conversation with their children – if it is done well it can build more secure parent child relationships. As a counsellor working with youth and families it is inevitable that one will encounter parents who are separating, and it is valuable to have some practical tips for parents as they lead their children through a changing family landscape. As a counsellor you may also be going through your own family changes at some point and struggling with how to help your children while you help others. Challenging events and difficult conversations are part of life and can be opportunities for growth. Talking to children about these difficult topics can demonstrate to them that the adults have their best interests at heart, and that they can come to the adults for information and guidance.
The divorce talk may be the most difficult conversation parents can have with their children.
Why is the divorce talk such a difficult conversation? First of all, we need to understand that as parents we are programmed to protect our children. If our child is being bullied, we know what our role is. Sometimes we must temper our reactions so we can truly assist our children — but there is no doubt that we have a visceral response when our children are in danger of being hurt physically and emotionally. I can certainly recall times when my own “mother bear” reared its head and I wanted to retaliate against the bully that was attempting to harm my child. Of course, I realized that it would be wildly inappropriate for a middle-aged child and family therapist to be taking down some eight-year-old that was teasing my child on the playground — but I won’t pretend that the thought did not cross my mind!
This desire to protect also applies to conversations about sex and drugs. There is some outside force that might harm our child — and we want to prepare and protect our child against something dangerous. Our protective role is clear. So, the truly complicating factor that makes it so difficult for parents to talk to their children about divorce is that the parents are the source of the pain. This causes great dissonance.
How do we help protect our child against ourselves — when we are the ones causing great sadness and distress in our children?
This may be the reason so many parents avoid this conversation or rush through it by trying to tell their children that everything will be fine. Although I understand and empathize with the guilt parents may feel in this situation, this guilt and discomfort should not be used as an excuse to avoid doing what must be done. I caution parents that avoiding this conversation or candy coating it in some way may only cause additional distress and pain in the long run for the children.
The good news is that if the parents do this conversation well, they can help their children adjust and heal much faster. Change is inevitable in life, and how we approach the divorce talk can teach children that grace and dignity can be part of grieving and healing. There is no perfect way of having this talk — but it does need to be done in an authentic and thoughtful manner.
Some tips for parents when talking to their children about divorce:
- It is always best if both parents can tell the children together.
You brought the children into the world together and you owe it to your children to make their needs more important than your marital difficulties. It is important to come together and hold the space for your children during this conversation. The parents need to be the leaders — and leaders show their true strength during the most difficult of times. This will demonstrate true courage in the face of adversity and set the template for your children to develop grace under fire.
- Give them an explanation.
Do not give your children too many details in regard to your marital difficulties but do provide an explanation that makes sense to them. Let them know your love has changed, and sometimes adult love changes and no longer fits together like it once did. Let them know as a couple you have done many things well — like creating them — but unfortunately you did not work out your problems well together. Honour each other in front of the children and let them know you are sad as well — but do not let your sadness or feelings dominate the discussion. Let them know there may be bumps ahead and that they are your top priority.
- Acknowledge that this is a sad day for the family.
Tell your children that whatever they are feeling is OK. It is OK to be sad, mad, disappointed and fearful of the changes. Don’t try to “sell them a line” that everything is great, and they will be happy again soon. Do not be afraid of their sadness — acknowledge it — and let them know there are some things that are worth feeling sad about.
- Be honest about what will be changing and what will not be changing.
Let them know that their schedules and living arrangements will be changing. Tell the children that some things do not change. Let them know that although adult love can change — the love between parents and children is a very unique kind of love and it never changes.
- Let them know that a plan is in place.
It is best if you have this worked out beforehand. Children need to know their schedule. Reassure them that you will still work together as their parents, and rather than just one home they now have two safe harbours in the world. Let them know there may be bumps ahead — but you will do your best to work through the bumps and that they are your top priority.
Alyson Jones is the Clinical Director at Alyson Jones & Associates which is one of the largest counselling centers in the province of British Columbia, Canada. She is a leader in the field of separation and divorce, and an innovator in exploring the intersection between family therapy and family law.
Alyson is a Family Therapist, Parent Coordinator, Mediator, Collaborative Law Divorce Coach and Child Specialist. Alyson is also the originator and the Program Director of the Family Forward Reunification Program which provides therapeutic solutions to attachment disruptions that are a result of high conflict and parental alienation and/or estrangement.
Alyson has over 25 years’ experience in the field of individual, couple, family and child therapy. She has presented at numerous professional conferences and consulted with Provincial Health, Social Service and Educational Agencies. She is an Adjunct Professor at the Adler University and teaches Attachment and Parenting Education/Therapy to graduate students.
Alyson regularly appears in the media providing information on mental health, parenting, children and families.